A Side Note From A Former Side Chick (Luke 7 Woman: Diary Entry #4)
“----Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” 48 And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”
Imagine, you are seated in an auditorium with a few hundred people, waiting for an unlikely presenter. A bombinating whisper fills the room as anticipation builds. People have been talking about this for what feels like eternity. The speaker’s subject is taboo, thus creating an enormous amount of apprehension and curiosity. A woman, sitting in that large crowd, takes a deep breath and nervously clears her throat. There is a look of regret, even embarrassment on her face. Despite her inner turmoil, straightening her neatly ironed blouse, she hesitantly stands in front of the awestruck audience; this crowd of strangers, with no prelude or introduction she begins,
“I was a side chick for a year and a half. Here’s my side of the story”
I am the speaker. You are the audience.
I was contemplating how I should begin to write this. I wanted to illustrate how uncomfortable I really was, am, talking about this. However, it is a part of my story. Many of you hear the phrase “side chick” and immediately become apathetic. Understandingly so. Who wants to empathize, sympathize with a ‘home wrecker’? I can assure you. No one in their (right mind) wakes up and says, “I want to be a side chick!” Not making any excuses for my behavior or my choices. However, (in many cases) it is not an intentional goal. If you’re reading this and have no idea what a side chick is, or what it means. Let me help you. Side chick is a colloquial name for a woman who is having an affair with someone in a relationship.
Reality shows have tried to glamorize it. From my experience, there is nothing more destructive to your psyche than being the 'other woman’. Most people would see me and say to themselves, “How did you end up in something like that, why didn’t you guard your heart?” I can answer your question with a simple response. Fear.
Fear was a major driving force. I have always struggled with finding love, being loved and hoping to be loved. He told me about his, at the time girlfriend, about a month or two after I had already developed feelings for him. I tried to break it off, but I couldn’t.
I was afraid that this was going to be my last chance at love. My only chance at love. I believed that things would get better and that he would see that he loved me more. It’s interesting to think back and remember the excuses and the lies I would tell myself. What’s more is the degradation that I allowed myself to endure. I don’t believe I can be any more transparent by saying this, when he ended the relationship, my self-confidence, what little I did have; was so depleted I hated everything about myself. I literally felt like I was a trash bag that he tossed out for Monday pick-up.
The scars on my heart will take time to heal. The things that he said to me to remind me that I was not the one “he chose” will take time to mend. The things I would tell myself to keep me from falling apart; when I knew he was with her, will take time to escape my memory. Those moments, when I did tear myself a part, comparing and contrasting. I wondered what she had that I did not? Truth be told, a “side chick” position will literally drive you insane.
Now, I can’t say that every moment was terrible. If it had been, maybe, I wouldn’t have stayed for so long. Who knows for sure. It was roller coaster. It was the highest high and the lowest low. My best friend would always say to me, “I wish he would be around to clean up the mess he would make of you.”
I wish I could tell you differently. I wish I could tell you that this was not the truth. Sadly, it is.
Right now, in this very moment when the pain and shame is so strong, I remind myself that it’s going to take time to move forward. It’s going to take time to be restored. I wanted to write this because I wanted people to know that I wasn’t an innocent “bystander”. This situation should have never happened, but I also had choices I made as well.
I didn’t trust God in this area of my life. In fact, I struggled to trust Him with a lot of things, especially this. I wanted a tangible outlet for love and admiration. I was willing to settle for much less than I deserved. Now that I have come to this point, the stakes become extremely high.
I say this because once those feeling of being “on the side” are etched into your heart, you’ve got some choices to make. You can either be comfortable in that place, which means attracting more “side” relationships because that’s all you have grown accustomed to. Or you can stand up for yourself and demand what you deserve in the next love opportunity.
This part is terribly difficult. There are days when I just feel like it was easier to be “on the side”. My mind will say things like, “You knew the routine. You accepted that he’ll never chose you. A few moments with him are better than none, no one is going to really care about you. This man didn’t, and he is a person that is respected greatly. If he didn’t, then surely a man of lower quality, wouldn’t want you either.” Sometimes those words become so intoxicating, so believable. It sounds almost like truth.
I realize that the only person, Someone, who can help me is Jesus. His words say, “You are worth more than this. You were never made to be an option”. Ephesians 1:3-9.
I had a dream the other night, I was at a familiar home with a man. The scene felt like it was supposed to be comfortable, but this man did not belong. He appeared to be nice. But, I felt in my heart, even in my dream, that something was wrong. I needed to leave. We began talking and he offered me some sort of drug. I knew that this drug would make me less of myself. If I took any of it, I would be a slave to it. I could feel that. I told him no and started to back away. It was enticing. He kept trying to offer it to me, saying “Just a little bit. This is what you need. It will make you feel better.”
It was so hard to say no, and not take the drug he was offering. I knew that I needed to escape, or I would end up falling for it. I got up and went to the door. I frantically ran down the stairs and the next thing I know, he’s running after me. I was literally in the middle of the street running for my life. Suddenly, I heard a voice say, “You’re tired of running. You might as well give up. He’s going to catch you any way.”
I immediately woke up from my dream. I knew what it meant. I prayed to myself. “God, I may be tired. I feel like giving up. But, I won’t. I am going to keep going; there is more freedom and pleasure in you than in anything else”
I posed the question “What brought the Luke 7 Woman to Jesus that night?” She desperately wanted freedom from the chains that kept creeping up on her, forcing her to conform to its will. The bondage that chased her and enticed her to give up her freedom because of fear of the other side. Freedom from the rejection that told her no one would ever want someone like her. Liberation from people who only knew her as “a woman of the city” and treated her as such.
Another word that can be used with freedom is forgiveness. Forgiveness is such a liberating act. When someone is forgiven, nothing can be held over their head. Bondage has no room to lure you in and keep you. She wanted her freedom, and now I am going to get mine.
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