A Christ-Following, Sinner (Luke 7 Woman: Diary Entry #1)

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"If this man were a prophet, He would know who this is and what kind of woman is touching Him--for she is a sinner!" Luke 7:39
 

Ashamed of where I came from. Afraid to be myself. I never thought to be worthy of anything.

But, He did.

I slid away from my desk to let go of my tears in privacy.  It was like emotional vomit. My thoughts and feelings swirl around in my head until my mind gets so dizzy that there’s no other way of escape. My eyes burn, my throat is dry, my chest hurts and I cannot seem to catch my breath.

Here I am again, coping with the agony of another failed romantic relationship; attempting to hold on to a sliver of sanity. It almost feels appropriate for me to feel rejected and my heart to be broken.  It is a pain that I have come to know, all too well.

I had given him everything. I worked hard to show him that I loved him. What seemed so real to me, had been another tale to him. When he asked me to meet him at Panera, 8 months ago to talk, I had no idea what was next. This man told me he loved me and that we were best friends.  I had felt the same way, deeply.

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The words that followed, I still cannot compute. "I am going to marry her."  I immediately began to weep.  A real explanation was not given. The reasoning sounded like a personal agenda, not any substantial grounds to marry someone, ever. However, he meant what he said. How could he make a decision like this? How could he do this? I gave him everything. 

Will this hurt ever stop? Why wasn't I worth it? I thought he accepted me?

I was reared in a single parent home. My mother was responsible for three children, including me. While I am very grateful for my mother for keeping a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, my relationship with her for various reasons, was never stable. I longed to feel wanted, loved, accepted and understood.

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So often people who are lacking the emotional support that most parents give during development; search for love, acceptance, admiration, and understanding in relationships, friendships or otherwise.  When I look back at all the missteps I took in search of what I was thought I was missing, I almost cringe in disbelief.

But He didn't.

I am bringing my alabaster jar to Jesus. I have no time to waste. I'd tried giving it to many others, who did not care to take. This jar of mine is all I have, its worth is all of me.  He's going to be at Simon's house, one more minute and I will be late. I'll wait patiently for my turn with Him, and when I finally do, I'll empty my jar of everything, my dreams, my heart, and tears.  I'll pour it all on Him, tonight, in hopes to be renewed.

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This is the diary of a Luke 7 woman, a woman whose past and reputation was filled with shame. A sinner. A woman who had given herself [to many other things] in hopes to be filled, but was only left empty. A woman who was far from perfect, but through Jesus’ eyes---was worth it. In fact, Jesus was so in love with her, He planned to be at the house of the Pharisee, Simon, just because He knew she would be there.  He knew she needed Him.

This woman who has more in common with all of us than we would ever admit, an outcast, coming from the wrong side of societal lines. Yet, her story will be remembered for eternity. She had no pedigree, her past was scandalous, her name was tarnished. She was without a guiding light for the present and did not have any hope for the future. That was until she found who she was looking for, better yet, who was looking for her.

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